We're Still Here
by BAHBEEPBO
Summary: Originally posted as "real or not real". Deleted by accident :P JJ's confused but she doesn't realize that the team has and always will be there for her
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Reid's POV.

Reid

Relativity. Sometimes time passes by in a blink of an eye, yet sometimes, time stops.

Time went by so insanely fast that night. The next morning, time stopped.

"I probably shouldn't have done that." I said quietly.

"Yes. You probably shouldn't have," replied JJ.

Sighing, she climbed out, padding quietly to the toilet.

"Look. This never happened alright? I'm still with Morgan, and you're still with…your books," she finally settled.

"Yeah, I…uh…I can work with never happened," I said quietly.

"That is why, you will not be here when I come out." She said quickly.

I nodded slowly.

Never happened. Never happened. She wished it never happened.

Last Night

JJ sat at the bar, downing in beer after beer. The rest of the team were chatting away at the booth, Morgan obviously ignoring her.

I propped myself up on the seat.

"Hey, what's up?" I asked quietly, pushing the beer out of her hand. She said nothing.

"Let's get you home. Come on, when Morgan isn't looking." I said hurriedly. She stood up, slightly unsteadily and rested her arm on me as I supported her into the taxi.

She pulled me in. I told the taxi driver her address.

"I heard from Morgan that you are…uh… unhappy with him because he lied to you about going to a mission right," I said slowly.

"How could I be so stupid, Reid. How? It was fishy when only he was called to go! Why didn't I dig deeper? Why didn't I ask Hotch?!" she demanded.

"It was a fling, JJ. He told me. He told me it meant nothing to him!" I insisted. Morgan was my best buddy, I had to say something to defend him!

"Would you have done it?" she asked.

"You're…you're urm…drunk," I said uncomfortably.

"But would you have? If you really loved me?" she asked.

"I…I…No," I finally coughed out.

"Why?" she continued asking.

"Why? Why? You're asking me why? Because let's see, you're absolutely beautiful, smart, witty, intelligent, and way out of my catch," I said, half smiling.

"You're smarter than me," she said quietly, resting her head against me.

"Look, don't think too much about it, Morgan's sorry, he really is," I said slowly, running my fingers through her hair.

"Why do you keep defending him?" she wondered aloud.

"Because I am his friend. And I know he would do the same for me. So... yeah." I admitted.

Why was I defending him really? That…didn't matter right now.

And then somehow we were entering her apartment. Together.

I grabbed my usual cup of coffee as I entered the meeting room. We were shipping off to solve a case in New York.

On the plane, I chose the one seater. Morgan said next to JJ, exchanging angry whispers. A few times JJ caught my eye, but I darted away quickly, reading the case file for the 173rd time. I was growing weary of it. I leant against the window and glanced out.

Suddenly, JJ stood up and went to rummage for food. She was the only one who always ate on the plane.

"So you're just going to walk away again?" Morgan asked loudly. Hotch glanced up and Emily threw him a dirty look.

"Leave her alone, Derek." I said quietly.

"Reid? What-?" Morgan said, staring at me with a confused expression.

"Erm, this murder…" I said, quickly changing the subject. I caught Morgan's dirty glare, but I said nothing. The rest of the team, thankfully, played along.

One week. Two weeks. Three weeks. Four weeks.

Four weeks, 13 hours and 53 seconds passed before I said my next word to JJ.

Morgan had approached me earlier, asking me why I had asked him to leave her alone. I made up an excuse saying that I didn't want him to make JJ feel worse with herself, and I said it was to stop Hotch from forcing them to break up because they were putting their feelings instead of their brain to solve the cases.

But…they made up. They made up 2 weeks and 45 minutes and 13 seconds after I left JJ's apartment.

JJ clearly did not want to speak to me. Every mission, she didn't wait for Hotch to assign us to roles, she picked her team mate, and Hotch said nothing to her. He approached me, asking if we had any bad blood. I lied and said no. Technically, I did not lie because it never happened.

But this time, Hotch was playing dirty.

"JJ, Reid, go to the unsub's house. Morgan, Emily, lock down the surroundings. No, JJ, you can't." Hotch said quietly. Everyone sat in awkward silence for a second before we rushed out in different cars.

JJ drove as I strapped on my bullet proof suit.

"If it never happened, you would still be speaking to me as usual. Do you know how fishy you've been behaving?" I asked.

She remained silent.

"I just want it to be like old times, JJ, please. It was a mistake, a mistake that _never happened_," I said.

"I can't. Not now." She said.

"Why. JJ, why not now?" I demanded.

She stopped the car, strapped on her vest and grabbed her gun, hopping off the car. Morgan and Emily were already there. We stepped up to the front porch.

"FBI! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!" JJ screamed. No reaction. The lights in the living room flickered off and the TV turned silent.

"WE KNOW YOU ARE IN THERE! ALL THE EXITS ARE SEALED. I CAN HELP YOU, BUT ONLY IF YOU LET ME," JJ continued.

Still no reaction.

She burst through the door, and I followed closely behind, with two other police officers. JJ motioned that we split up, and I followed her.

"Why?" I whispered.

We ventured into the basement. I sensed a movement.

"JJ, there's someone here," I whispered.

At the same time I ended my sentence, someone hit me with a baseball bat and I passed out.

"Rest well, Reid," Hotch, Emily and Morgan said as they left my hotel room.

"I have uh, some stuff to tell Reid," JJ said quietly, staying behind.

Hotch nodded and smiled at me, ushering the others out.

"So…how are you?" JJ said quietly.

"I got knocked out. I think you guys are overreacting. Statistically speaking, people who get knocked out have a –" she glared at me, causing me to shut up.

My head was still a little stingy, but I was okay.

"What happened after I got hit?" I asked, scratching my hair.

"I wrestled the bat out of his hand and the two cops heard the scuffle and came down and arrested him." She said quickly.

"So, if you don't mind me asking," I said slightly annoyed, "why can't we go back to the old times? You know, even when Morgan was your boyfriend, we were still pretty good friends, I don't think Morgan would actually mind about me and uh you. Unless you know, you mind. Then I guess that would make it slightly complicated-" I rambled.

"It's _not_ about Morgan."

"No?"

"I'm expecting someone."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

JJ's POV

"Oh. So you have someone else on your mind is that it? Okay, I understand, it would be better for the team too, no romance and jealousy. Wait did I just say jealousy? Nah, no one's jealous…" Reid rambled on and on.

"Spence, you need to calm down." I said quietly.

"I'm calm, I'm very calm," he said, his voice going super high pitched.

"You're obviously freaking out." I said.

"I'M OBVIOUSLY FREAKING OUT HERE JJ! IT WAS IMPLIED! Why did you go screw us all up when you had someone else in mind!" Reid said hysterically.

"You don't understand. I'm _expecting_ someone." I said slowly.

There was a moment of absolute confusion, then suddenly, he understood.

A few seconds passed, the silence resounding through the whole room.

"That… that's great," Reid admitted, and his face slowly stretched into a grin.

"I…I…have Morgan," I finally coughed out.

His face fell.

"I understand." He said quietly.

"Oh god, I wished that night never happened. I hurt so many people, and at some point in time, I have to learn to stop." I said quietly.

"Just uh, lie to Morgan. There'll be one less person you hurt." He said weakly.

"What if he finds out later, Reid? It would _kill_ him," I said.

"He wouldn't. I won't say anything," he ended off quite awkwardly.

I laughed. "No more lying, Spence."

"But this is completely my decision, and I hope you respect that," I said quietly, standing up and heading towards the door.

"Jennifer. Do you really wish that that night never happened?" he asked, his eyes wide.

"I just don't know if it meant anything to you," I said.

"Then I guess the question is really, did it mean anything to you," he responded, his hands gripping the side of the bed so tightly I could see his knuckles turning white.

He stood up and opened the door.

"And to answer your previous question," I said, "Yes, I wished it never happened."

"I don't."

With that, the door shut in my face, and I had no choice but to slowly crawl back to my room.

The next day, Spence ignored me the whole flight back home, sticking mainly to himself. Morgan was fast asleep.

Anyway. A week later, we were flying out again.

We tracked down the murderer, now we just had to apprehend him. Trouble was, they had Morgan.

"Hello, Special Agent Derek Morgan," the killer said, laughing creepily. My heart thumped crazily against my chest.

We were viewing this whole thing through a video camera.

"Oh right, he can't hear me, because he's knocked out!" he said, bursting into laughter.

"What do you want?" Spence asked.

"Doctor Spencer Reid. Good question. I want you down here to fix my machine. You will be handcuffed, without your stupid little walkie talkie, or your bulletproof vest, or your gun," he threatened.

Spence paced around the room, Hotch giving all of us worrying glances.

Finally, he locked eyes with me.

_Do I mean anything to you?_

I knew the question he was asking. I looked away, focusing on the computer screen.

"I'll go. Mark, I'll go," Spence said into the camera. Mark rubbed his hands together, looking like he just opened a new Christmas present.

Spencer took out his gun and placed it on the desk, stripped off his vest and stepped out of the caravan.

He moved into the house, down into the basement and then we saw him entering the screen.

He raised his hands up to show that he was not holding anything.

"I have a few…demands. Put Agent Morgan out in the front door. And I want you to handcuff me here, at the staircase."

Mark said nothing but nodded gleefully.

Reid let himself get chained to the staircase and Mark moved Morgan out of the chair and up the steps, climbing down a few moments later.

I could see Reid analyzing the room.

"So, genius. This is my circuit. What's wrong?" Mark said, showing a complicated circuit.

Spence perused the circuit for a few moments before saying, "You need to cut off this blue wire and solder it to this other connection point."

Mark nodded attentively and hurried to the furthest end of the room, where the soldering iron was.

We waited with bated breath. We saw him cut the wire.

The room burst into flames and Hotch reacted immediately.

"OUT, OUT, OUT, GET IN THE HOUSE AND GET REID NOW!" Hotch cried.

We sprinted out. I sprinted the fastest, yanking open the door and pushing past Morgan, heading down to the basement.

"AGENT JAREAU GET BACK HERE!" Hotch cried.

"SPENCE IS TRAPPED INSIDE, HE'S GOING TO DIE!" I screamed.

"I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE WITH HIM!" Hotch exploded, untying Morgan from the chair.

I ignored him and opened the door. A huge blast of hot air hit me and I saw the flames licking at the bottom steps, and Spence lying against the steps, unconscious.

I unchained him and dragged him up the steps, coughing badly before shutting the door.

I pushed him up against the nearest wall.

"I NEED A PARAMEDIC NOW HOTCH! SPENCE'S HEART BEAT IS FADING!" I yelled.

Hotch shouted something inaudible.

I pulled his shirt open and pumped his chest, forcing air into his lungs through his mouth.

The paramedics came and they shipped Spence out.

I followed anxiously but stayed behind with Hotch to sort Morgan out.

_Do I mean anything to you?_

_I don't know._

_Do I mean anything to you?_

_I don't know._

_Do I mean anything to you?_

_I don't know._

_Do I mean anything to you?_

_Not as much as Morgan._


	3. Chapter 3

Chap 3

Reid's POV

I woke up, my eyes blinking to adjust to the light.

JJ was sitting on the sofa, her head tilted to one side, her mouth slightly open. It was 1 am in the morning. We were alone.

"JJ," I called out.

No response.

"Jennifer," I said.

No response.

I helped myself up and groaned quietly at the throbbing pain at my feet. It'll heal. It was just a small blast. Nothing much should have happened to me. Just a few injuries and I'll be back in tip-top shape soon.

I slowly moved her chair closer to me.

I raised her chair and lowered the bed so they became the same level. Pushing the movable barrier down, I lifted her on to the bed, before pushing the barrier back up.

Her head rolled sideways and landed on my shoulder. I stretched my arm around her and grinned. This feels right. But she would leave the minute she wakes up. It's okay. I'll be able to enjoy these few seconds.

"You know I'm awake right," JJ whispered into my shoulder.

"No." I replied truthfully.

"I broke up with Morgan. I told him the truth. Hotch had to drag him back," JJ said quietly.

"Good thing I'm injured huh?" I joked.

She didn't laugh.

"Just because I'm broke up with Morgan doesn't mean we become a couple," she said.

Again. Kill me already.

"I need some time to think. No offence, but you're no daddy material." She said, pushing her hair out of her eyes.

"Oh and Morgan is?" I retaliated.

She hesitated for a while.

"He's not either. None of us are, alright, with jobs like that!" she insisted.

"So you're going to choose him because he's the better one right?" I asked, the tone in my voice rising.

"I'll have you know that I am much more capable of taking care of a child than him," I said angrily.

"I'm not choosing anyone. I'm taking care of this alone and you need to respect that," she said dryly, before turning and leaving me alone.

Hotch had a private talk with JJ.

Emily had a private talk with Morgan.

Penelope had a private talk with me.

"Hey Reid." She said, too cheerfully.

"I know what's coming. I didn't mean it okay?" I said, my voice slightly strained.

"Yeah. Hotch made me. Anyway, I'll make it real quick. JJ likes you a lot, Reid. She's the only person who calls you Spence. But she treats you like a brother, not a lover. She doesn't regret that night, but she does wish she had been wiser. I honestly don't know what her decision would be, but all I know is that you have to support her, even if her choice is to ignore you. Do you understand?" she asked.

"Yeah. Yeah." I said dryly.

"And one thing…don't, and I beg of you please, don't get into a fight with Morgan." She said quietly.

I grimaced. "I think that warning should be given to him."

Just then, Emily and Morgan turned the corner and we locked eyes for the first time since I got out of the hospital.

"We're…uh…cool right?" I asked slowly.

I knew JJ and Hotch were watching from the window. I could see their reflection from the mirror.

Morgan stood silently for a second.

"No." Morgan said, his eyes narrowing.

"I never thought you would cheat on her," I said quietly, twitching anxiously.

"Morgan," Emily warned.

"I told you before," he said.

"Spence," JJ said quietly.

"What, JJ, what?" I said wearily.

Morgan remained silent.

"Stop it. You're supposed to be mature," JJ said.

"Right, cause I'm the genius." I said bitterly.

Penelope gripped my hand, as if to emphasize her point.

"What do you want to do then?" JJ asked quietly.

I pried Penelope's hand off me and stormed off.

"You heartless son of a bitch," Morgan scoffed.

Stop. I'm going to break. Stop talking. Walk away. Be the bigger man, Reid.

I couldn't.

"I don't want you to regret all these decisions. If you decide that you don't want any of us in your life, if you decide you're not going to let anyone in, then I don't see why you would want a child to hold you back, _Agent Jareau._ Or if _Agent Morgan_ wants to be the bigger man, I have no qualms about it. All I know is that I'm sick and tired of _you_, Agent. If you wished it never happened, too bad, it's scientifically impossible to turn back the time. I know why it hurts you so much because you are lying to yourself that it meant nothing.."

JJ stood, her arms crossed.

I walked towards the exit. Not today.

"Because you love me." I added.

"You don't understand love, Reid." JJ said.

"JJ, leave him." Hotch said quietly.

"Teach me." I said slowly.

"It can't be taught," JJ continued.

"Why? I'm a PhD. I learn fast enough." I said. Morgan snorted.

"Because love is not a science." Emily said without realizing.

I stared at her.

"We're born alone. We live alone. We die alone. Only through love and friendship, can we create the illusion for a moment that we are not alone." I recited quietly.

And then I turned and left.

The phone's ringing.

_Leave it alone. _

I know who's calling.

_Leave it alone._

Don't want to hear her voice.

_Leave it alone._

Control yourself.

_Leave it alone._

Control. Control. Control. Defeat.

I pick up the phone.

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone would understand if you fall apart, that's true strength." She said quietly.

"I don't care." I said quietly.

"Then why pick up the phone?" she asked.

"Because I'm weak." I admitted.

"Stop hurting me," I pleaded.

"Stop hurting yourself," she muttered.

I said nothing.

"Please open the door." She said quietly.

"No."

"Please."

"No."

"Please."

"No."

"Let me in."

"No."

There was silence, then a clearer voice, someone I would recognize.

"Open the door, Reid." Hotch said sharply.

I threw the phone against the wall.

Nothing happened.

And then that's when my whole door caved in and I realize that they had broken into my house like I was one of those unsubs.

Hotch closed the door behind him. Everyone was here.

"We all need to have a little talk. Sit." Hotch said, making himself feel quite comfortable.

"This is my team, and I need you to settle your problems right here right now. There will be no more backstabbing or quarrels or any of that sort." Hotch said calmly.

"I have no comments," I said quietly.

"Reid, don't." Emily said, narrowing her eyes.

I said nothing.

"You know what? I'm pretty surprised no one has cried yet," Penelope commented.

I laughed dryly.

"We're not that weak." I said snobbishly.

"Crying doesn't mean you're weak. It just means you've been strong for way too long," Morgan said quietly.

"Oh yeah, that's what a crybaby will say," I said rudely.

"REID!" Emily scolded.

And then everything came loose. I launched myself at him.

I felt Emily and JJ's hands on me.

"Leave them," Hotch said.

Morgan wrestled me and pushed me up against the wall, kneeing my stomach and swinging a punch to my nose, until blood spilled out from the corners of my mouth.

I braced myself for one more hit.

"Enough," Hotch said quietly. Morgan stopped immediately.

"Stop being so mean to everyone Reid. You think it's easy for us? You think it's all just about you; about your headaches, about your drugs, about your life? We all have our own problems! Consider how I would feel, how JJ will feel! Stop acting like a kid and grow up!" his words were harsh, yet I knew he meant every word. It wasn't said out of anger or spite. It was a piece of advice between brothers.

And then I turned my face away from him, because I started crying.

And then Morgan released me.

"Grow up," he said quietly.

Emily, Hotch, Penelope and JJ were all standing behind Morgan.

Hotch motioned something and the others went to the kitchen, leaving JJ and me alone.

She supported my weight and wiped the tears from my eyes, pushing my chin so that I was forced to face her.

"You were right. I would be terrible daddy material," I said quietly, sniffing.

"I could be wrong," she said quietly, tiptoeing to kiss me.

"Are you still angry," I asked.

"Yeah." Morgan said quietly.

The rest had already left.

"You could have at least told me you were interested," he added thoughtfully.

"Do you think I'm making the right decision?" I asked.

"Honestly, I don't know. You are a good man, Reid. But I think you sometimes act very childish and needy. The thing is, we're all going to be here to help JJ, but she needs you the most. You have to be the rock she clings on to, not the other way round," Morgan said.

"Hmm. Will you ever forgive me?" I asked.

"No. But I will come to terms with it." Morgan said slowly.

"And… there'll always be a part of me that wants JJ back," he admitted.

"Be the godfather. Please," I suddenly asked.

"JJ wouldn't like that." He said, rubbing his temples.

"I would like that. It's not an apology present. Please." I asked.

He stood up and opened the door.

"I never thought you would betray me," he said slowly.

"I…I'm sorry I slept with her."

He cringed.

"It's not just that."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

JJ's POV

"Morgan, JJ, go to the dumping grounds and see what you can make of it," Hotch ordered.

We nodded and set off quietly.

"So the unsub dumped the body here. But why here of all places? He wanted us to find the body!" Morgan analyzed.

"We need to talk." I said quietly.

"Maybe it's part of his sick game, I mean anything is possible right? Reid slept with you, so obviously anything is possible," He continued.

"So that's what this is about." I continued.

"But how did he trick them here? Maybe he was like You're really pretty, you should be a model and I can take your photos," he continued rambling.

"Charm's quite the killer," I said slowly.

"So are tears," He replied, his words sharp and harsh.

"Morgan, we need to talk!" I said sharply, when he was walking out of my office.

"There's nothing to talk about," he muttered.

"I know why you're angry!" I exclaimed.

"And what's that?" he asked.

"You are angry that you couldn't and didn't find out what Reid and I had done because we controlled our expressions! And you're angry that you lost me," I pointed out.

"Are you criticizing my profiling skills?!" he demanded.

I shrugged.

"Listen, _Jennifer_, the only reason I never realized anything was because I trusted you!" he said angrily, storming out.

"LOOK! I'M SORRY!" I said.

He laughed dryly without turning back.

"It's too late, JJ," he said quietly.

"I just don't know how to make him understand how sorry I am!" I said, frustrated.

"I'll talk to him okay?" Penelope promised.

"Penelope, not now," Morgan said sharply.

"I know you're angry," Penelope said, crossing her arms.

"What do you expect me to do? Jump for joy?" he said sarcastically.

"Why are you angry?!" she asked.

Morgan turned to face my window. He knew I was watching.

"Because it's not fair! Reid gets the girl, Reid gets the child, Reid gets the fun. And now what am I left with? Nothing! Reid gets EVERYTHING!" Morgan yelled.

"You know there's always a special place in her heart for you," Penelope reasoned.

"So what? I'm just supposed to suck it up right? Reid's the genius. Reid deserves it. Reid, Reid, Reid, Reid, I'm SICK of it!" Morgan yelled.

"What do you want from her then?" Penelope asked.

"I want her back."

"So you're just mad that he gets everything?" Penelope asked calmly.

"How come he gets to win? " he asked quietly.

"There's no winning, there's only moving on," I said quietly.

Morgan turned around.

His eyes flashed with anger and hurt.

"Then I guess there's nothing left to say," Morgan said so softly it scared me. And then he pushed his way past me.

"Morgan," I said, holding his wrist.

"What? Are you going to tell me that it was my fault I cheated? I never wanted to tell you this, but I'm just going to come out and say it. I lied. I never cheated on you, JJ. I will never, ever cheat on you." He said slowly, his voice deep with guilt.

"Then…why did you lie?" I asked.

"Didn't it amaze you when I couldn't give you the girl's name? Didn't it amaze you when I couldn't give you the location? Didn't it amaze you that when you called my home number when I was supposed to be away, I answered the phone? HOW STUPID ARE YOU?" He said so bitterly it hurt.

"Morgan…" Penelope said. "You didn't trust her?"

His eyes shined with tears.

"No. I didn't trust Reid," he said quietly.

"You could have just told me!" I said.

"And tell you what? Tell you that Reid, the guy who you treat as a brother, was having the hots for you? Huh? Tell you to be careful? What, you think I was that dumb? If I said that I was asking for a breakup!" he yelled.

That was true. I would not have believed him.

"You played me, JJ. And so many times you trusted him instead of me. You listened to him say everything about me. You trusted him more when he told you it was just a fling. You are nothing but a piece of _filth,_" He spat.

"I thought…" my voice trailed off. I had nothing left to say.

"Yeah, I thought so too," he said bitterly, shrugging me off and storming out.

He stood at the door and paused for a few seconds.

"Oh and by the way, Jennifer. Reid knew that I was lying."

"Spence," I said, catching hold of him.

He smiled and turned around. "Yeap?" he asked cheerfully.

"You knew that Morgan was lying," I said slowly.

His face fell but he quickly concealed his emotions.

"What are you talking about?" he asked.

"I never thought that you would lie to me!" I said, hurt.

His forehead creased.

"I had my reasons," he said slowly.

"Please, JJ," he begged.

"You are disgusting," I muttered.

"It's not like you're not torturing me right?" he said spitefully.

"Hotch?" I asked, knocking on his door.

"Yeah?" he answered.

"I…uh… I made the decision to leave the team for a while," I said slowly.

"I understand," Hotch said, nodding his head.

"I'll be back," I said, smiling.

He grimaced. "I certainly hope so, Jennifer."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Morgan's POV

Now she quit. Well good for her.

Why did I lie in the first place? Why was I so desperate to find out if Reid would take advantage of her? Why didn't I protect her? It was my duty to protect her, not to send her into traps like this!

Who did I think I was; going around playing with people's feelings? If that's the case, I rather be a young boy than a man; to play with paper airplanes and not girl's feelings.

Her desk was not cleared out. I did not suspect that Hotch would be finding a replacement. He would simply wait for her to come back.

_Dear Jennifer,_

_It was stupid of me. Sorry._

_Morgan._

There, my first note to her. I put in inside an envelope and labeled her name and the letter number and date, before finding a big cardboard box and chucking it inside.

I shall write her a note every day until she comes back. I shall.

_Dear JJ,_

_It's been two days and I miss you already. Maybe I should try explaining what I did. But would you listen? _

_Morgan._

_Hi JJ,_

_It's hard staring at the phone and not finding the courage in me to call you. I wonder if you think about me. I did it not out of spite. I did it out of love and jealousy and selfishness._

_Morgan._

The days went by and by. I never got a call from her. I never got a note from her. Did I expect anything? No one else got one either. I knew Penelope and Emily were visiting her, but no. I won't go there.

The office is now so dark and gloomy. It's funny how a person's presence can change everything. I barely speak to Reid now. We have nothing to talk about. I cringe every time the girls mention her name.

In what we do, we don't need any more darkness overshadowing us. It surprises me that with all the bad things we see, we're still able to find the few things we can hold on to.

I never told the team this, but I wasn't always a perfect guy. Only Hotch knew, because he was the one who got me out of my nightmare in the first place. It's a long story, but I think about it every night.

_Dear JJ,_

_ It has been 34 letters since you last left. 34 days since I haven't seen you. It's tiring here. There's been a case recently. Remember the guy whose trial was due; that guy with the tattoo and the slashes on his face? If you look closely, you'll see that his right eye has a bright red scar; the one that forces his eye to twitch and blink uncontrollably. I gave him that scar._

_Morgan._

His name is Benedict Morgan. The thing is, I wasn't always a good kid.

My whole family had been in jail at least once. It was a tradition. The thing is, I wanted to be different. I never wanted to be a robber, a killer, a drunkard. I wanted to be a cop. No one really expected anything out of me; the standards were pretty low. But there was one thing no one would ever expect me to become. A cop.

Now I became one of them. I became of a higher authority.

But none of them ever knew how I became a cop. I always vowed to do good. But one night, it was raining, I couldn't see properly, and it was a complete accident. The car skidded and the van knocked Mr. Goodwood, who was hurrying to get home; to hide from the rain.

There was no real court case. It was simple. "It's a Morgan, he's the one who did everything wrong."

So I got sent into juvenile detention. I stayed there for 2 years, until one day, Hotch came, with his boss, when he was merely an agent. He picked me out. He said I seemed like a good kid. He never told me why he picked me out of the rest.

And then they shipped me out to Los Angeles. No one ever realized I was gone. No one really cared. It was a small town, but my relatives didn't bother, and as for the townspeople? It was good news that one "Morgan" was gone.

I never really got over the fact that I took someone's life; someone's father; someone's husband; someone's son. I never really got over the fact that I was a killer, whether it was accident or not.

I sent my first pay cheque to the Goodwood family. I knew they received it, because they wrote a thank you letter back. I had lied. I had said that I was a organization that helped out the poor. And from then on, every month, I sent 1000 dollars to them, just to help out. I knew it wasn't much. I knew I would never really get over it, ever. But it was a start.

Benedict Johnson is my cousin. He was big and bulky. He was a bully. He never flinched when he took a man's life. He never really treasured life.

Then there was a girl. She was my girlfriend. Benedict liked her, he really did. He liked her a little too much maybe. One day, he saw me at the movies. Tracked us down, cornered us, and threatened to take her home.

If you've grown up in a family like mine, you would not find it weird to keep a pocketknife in your back pocket. We wrestled and I got hurt, but he left, his eye bloody and injured.

Funny thing. It was the same night after I sent Rose Goodwood home, that I drove out her street, took a left turn, and killed her father.

I never saw her again.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Reid's POV

Sitting outside her apartment every day I'm here and not somewhere else in America seems kind of desperate.

Lying to her about Derek lying to her seems kind of desperate.

I seem kind of desperate.

I seem _very_ desperate.

Emily and Penelope walk up the steps. I can hear their voices, their plastic bags cringing.

I just want to see her. Please.

"R-" Emily started, but quickly shut her mouth.

"Please," I whispered, "I haven't seen her in 3 months." I said quietly.

Penelope showed no emotions. Emily seemed to be staring at me with a half disgusted, half pitying look.

"Fine," Penelope finally said.

"Hey JJ," Emily called out.

We waited a few seconds before the door opened.

"Come on in, I'm cooking something," she said, turning her back to the door. I stepped in quietly behind and closed the door.

I couldn't get a glimpse of her.

The smell was heavenly. I stood awkwardly at the door while they helped out in the kitchen. I heard some whispers, then a very obvious voice, filled with resentment and hate, and the same time, fear.

"Get him _out_."

I shifted my feet. Some more whispers. Then I heard the fire click shut and JJ step out, facing me.

She was absolutely stunning. She was showing more, but still, breathtaking.

"Get out," she said bitterly, her voice harsh and cold.

"No. I came here today to apologize. I was wrong, but you didn't have to screw me over like that too? It hurt when you left and I can't figure out where the pain is coming from, but it's strong. I want to take care of you. Let me try being a father. I may not be the best there is, but I'll be good enough for you," I pleaded.

She said nothing, standing in silence.

"Please. Just let me come round here alright?" I asked.

She said nothing but came to the door, picked up a key and pressed it in my palm. I nodded, knowing that she did not need anything else right now and took my leave.

Outside, I jumped for joy.

I walked with Morgan wordlessly along the quiet road, making our way to the place where the victim was last spotted.

"You know," I said, blowing out hot air that formed a small cloud.

"I saw JJ that day."

He said nothing. The snow crunched under our feet.

"She's doing good. Just thought you would like to know. I have her keys, you should come over sometime," I said slowly.

He nodded subtly and continued walking.

"I heard the Benedict Morgan got out without charges," I said, changing the topic.

Weirdly, he flinched. "Oh sorry, Morgan. I sometimes forget that you have the same surname. It's weird huh, how different two people who share the same surname can be," I said.

"It's not weird," he said, as though he had some other meaning behind it.

"What do you mean? I bet you that guy's family is full of killers and murderers. Did you know I did a background check and all of his registered relatives are in prison?" I said, my voice filled with wonder.

"So you can't blame him really. It's not his fault he grew up this way," I continued.

"Some of them do turn out this way." Morgan commented dryly.

"Some?" I inquired.

"Others grow up to catch them," he said quietly, speeding up.

And that moment was lost the minute he sped up.

Three months flew by and I visited her often, whenever I landed after a case. Sometimes I just needed to see her face, you know, it was like something to hold on to after all that I've seen.

Do I regret it? Do I regret lying?

Yes and sadly, no.

Benedict Morgan is related to Derek. Yes, our very own Derek Morgan.

No wonder he made those peculiar comments that day!

Apparently there has been some new murders and Morgan took one look at it and said, "Benedict Joseph Morgan."

I was suspicious, so I did a background check.

I searched through files and files of secret information before I finally found out how Morgan joined the BAU.

And the frightening thing is that we finally locked down the unsub, right in our very own city. And the first thing Morgan said was, "I am going in."

No "please", no "I will", no "Hotch".

He said it like it was a matter of fact, like he had expected it to be like that all along.

Just as he said those words, my phone rang.

"Reid. Thank god you turned on your phone. I'm JJ," she said, her breathing rough.

"I need you to come now."

My mouth was dry. "Okay."

"Hotch, I think the baby's coming. I need to go," I said quietly. Morgan stared at me, as though what I said confirmed his decision.

Hotch nodded.

Just as I turned, I heard Morgan utter the words.

"I'll go in…_alone."_


	7. Chapter 7

Morgan

"I'll go in alone," I said as Reid retreated.

Hotch narrowed his eyes.

"Agent Morgan, this is not personal," Hotch said angrily.

"Stop telling me this is not personal. This is personal. I told you, Hotch. I was the one who gave him the scar and he's here for revenge," I spat.

"You will follow my instructions and you will wait here. If we have a shot, I will, I promise, let you take it." Hotch ordered.

He yanked the gun out of my hand and slid it back into my holster to prove his seriousness.

"Clear. He's not here. There's another body, but he fled already." Hotch told me.

"I know where he is, but you must let me go alone, please, I beg you," I said desperately.

Hotch frowned and grimaced.

"If you are not back down in 5, I'm sending back up, do you understand?" he asked.

I nodded.

Five minutes? That's too long for his standards. If he really wanted, he could deliver a kill in a few seconds, much less minutes.

I grabbed my gun and vest and ran into the building.

The floor was dirty, but something no one else noticed was that there was a piece of paper. It was a drawing of a bird. This was my symbol when I was young. Our symbol.

I followed them all until a small door. I opened it and inched my way through, bending my head down. The leg and head room widened gradually as I made my way deeper and deeper underground. I left an obvious trial to lead back up to me.

I left my gun at the door.

My pocketknife would prove handier with the Morgan men.

I grimaced. I knew this trick. By the time back up came, he would be too deep in for them to trace. But then again, I never really expected less from Ben.

I opened a door and he sat, perfectly calm, a long samurai sword in his hands. He always had a thing for Japanese torture.

"It's been long, _Agent_ Morgan. Are you going to arrest me?" he said, laughing.

"Are you going to kill me?" I asked.

He laughed louder.

"Rose is doing well, if you wanted to know. The last I saw her was on my bed," he spat.

I flinched and closed my eyes, shutting out her face.

"Kill me and be done with it. Back up is coming in three," I said, grimacing.

"I never kill. I prefer the term win. I win the battles," he said.

He threw the sword at me and I caught hold of it.

I shot out impatiently, cutting deep into his flesh. He certainly did not expect that. Growling, he grabbed another sword and we started fighting.

His right arm was bleeding badly. But then again, blood was nothing in his eyes.

The sound of metal against metal resounded in the room.

He scraped my left arm but I shot into his thigh which caused him to stumble backwards for a few seconds. But he quickly leapt up.

"You have improved," he commented as we leapt across the room.

I cornered him and my knife landed directly on his heart.

You could hear nothing but the sound of our breathing.

"Why did you come back?" I asked.

"Why did you become a cop?" he asked.

"It was my dream. _Our _dream. I think you're scared. The only reason you need to kill me now is because I am a representation of everything you could have become, if only you tried harder!" I yelled.

"I see they have trained you well in analyzing behaviors. Kill me then, if you dare," he challenged.

For a second I let my guard down. I had nothing left to lose.

JJ left me because of my stupid ways. Reid…I can't put aside my pride for him. Emily…she thinks I'm worth nothing now. She thinks I'm dumb for playing with JJ. Penelope? We have barely spoken. And on the occasional times we had, she was asking me why I had tried to test our love.

Hotch? Hotch is the only one who understands. He understands that love is something unnatural to me. I felt no love.

And then it pierced through my vest, through my skin, straight into my stomach. I dropped the sword and he laughed.

"They'll never get you out in time. You'll have lost to much blood. Trust me, I know," he said.

We both heard the sound of a bomb blasting. They probably already broke through the door. He locked eyes with me for a second.

"I tried hard enough when you were locked up in prison." He said quietly before taking to his feet.

I heard the sound of twenty to thirty pairs of feet chasing down the tunnel at once.

There was no way they would find him.

I slumped backwards, my hand on the knife, trying to pull it out.

"Morgan!" Emily exclaimed.

She crawled beside me and held my hand tight.

"Come on, stay with me, if you can hear me, squeeze my hand," she said, tears streaming down her face.

I squeezed her hand. She smiled. "That's my boy," she whispered.

"I want to let you know that you are my partner, Morgan, and I am so, so proud of you. And not a day goes by when I don't think about you. I know you can stay strong, Morgan, if you try hard enough. Try, please, for me," she begged, her warm hand against my neck.

Hotch came in next. He pulled out the sword gently and threw it aside. He picked up his phone.

"I need the paramedics in right now!" he said, his voice so urgent I've never heard him like this before.

Penelope came in, her hair frazzled and her specs messily in place.

"Baby…girl," I whispered.

"Don't go," she whimpered.

I raised my hand and adjusted her specs.

I could hear more footsteps.

Then I heard nothing and saw nothing.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Reid's POV

I rushed to her house, still wearing my vest.

She opened the door and I helped her into the car, before I stepped on it.

"Why?" she asked.

I knew what she was asking. I ignored her and sped along the highway.

"Why?" she asked again.

I gripped the wheel tightly. She pulled my left hand into her lap.

"Why?" she asked for the third time.

Surprisingly, she had left this question alone until now.

"I was drunk. I had been crushing over you for months. I…I was angry. I…Emily told me to stop being so scientific and stop letting my brain rule and let my heart take the reins. I thought she meant you…I never realized that she meant…_her_." I finally answered.

"You like Emily?" JJ spluttered.

"I…I was into you for a while until I realized you treat me like a brother. I never meant to get into anything with Emily but then that time we were trapped in the train with the delusional man and…things started from there. We never really told anyone because she was trying to help me sort my problems." I explained.

I parked the car and helped her out.

We were admitted, and then they brought her into the room and I followed behind.

16 hours inside the damn room. I was so tired.

Yet she somehow still managed to look better than me. We were in the ward, our new kid in our arms when Hotch came in, with Emily and Penelope.

Hotch was shaking and Emily's head was facing downward. I recognized that look. A look of despair. Something bad happened. Penelope's eyes were red and puffy.

"How is it that I just went through 16 hours of-" JJ started when I shook my head subtly.

"What happened to…what happened to…what…no," I said shakily.

Hotch cringed, and for the first time, I saw Hotch drop a tear.

"He didn't make it off the table," Emily breathed.

I could feel JJ drawing in a sharp breadth.

"Hotch," Penelope said quietly.

"I never got a chance to say goodbye," Hotch whispered. He turned and stalked out. The room, which felt bright and cheery just seconds ago, now felt gloomy and depressing.

"Morgan's just…gone," JJ breathed, tears sliding down her cheeks.

_If a man can bridge the gap between life and death, if he can live on after he's dead, then maybe he was a great man._

So we just sat there. Embracing life as we embraced death. How one could be at the same time as another.

And we paid our respects to the man that held everything together when everyone would have understood if he fell apart.


	9. Chapter 9

Morgan

The words were burned into the back of my mind. My last letter I would ever possibly write to JJ.

_Dear Jennifer Jareau,_

_I have a low chance of surviving tonight. I don't lie. Benedict…he's strong. I know you expect a long letter. I think you would expect some kind of closure. I don't have one. I cannot offer one. I'm sorry. Maybe throughout my 186 letters you would start to understand why I felt it necessary to find out if Reid had anything for you. I honestly don't know, but I think what I can say is that you are so precious to me. I don't want anyone else to even harbor the intention of having you. And I had problems trusting Reid. Benedict promised me he wouldn't do anything stupid when I landed myself in jail. He never kept that promise. Reid promised me he would never, ever lay a hand on you. He broke that promise. I lost Rose because of a stupid mistake. I lost you because of a stupid mistake. It's funny how history repeats itself with different people don't you think? I'm sorry for everything. I hope you do well. I know you will be fine. I…I think that's all I really have to say. Sorry if this is not the teary, emotional goodbye you expected for. I know how it feels like losing someone. It would have helped if they left me 187 letters but hey, I don't complain. Just wanted to let you know that you will always be in my mind. And I'm never really gone. We'll see if you can find me. Somehow, dying for lost love seemed more heroic than this. Now it seems sad. But…you're worth it._

_Love,__ Always,_

_Morgan._

She would always be on my mind.

I have to stop fighting.

Now.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

JJ's POV

You never really truly understand the meaning of "lost" until you lose someone.

I went back to his office. A layer of dust has already settled on his desk. His papers were cleared out, but everything stayed the same.

It has only been a week. The team was out but they were on their way back.

I traced my way back to my own office, Derek still sleeping soundly in the pram in the corridor.

My office never changed a bit. Yet the thickness of dust was the same as Morgan's. He had been cleaning out my office. Of course he did.

He never came to find me. He never came to my apartment. His pride – my pride- stopped us from forgiving until now.

I sat down on the chair. This feels right.

I pushed in my chair and my leg hit a box.

"What?" I asked, peering under my desk.

I took out the cardboard box and set it on my desk. It wrote, "Jennifer".

I presumed it would be my old belongings, but when I flipped it open, it was a blown up picture in a photo frame. Morgan was carrying me on his shoulders, and I was laughing like a crazy child. I smiled and took the frame out. Underneath was a box of exactly 12 roses, laid out in a straight line. Written in black marker was his handwriting. "A rose for every year I knew you."

I took that out and it revealed 4 letters. I could hear the team come back and for a second, they cooed over the baby, before heading into my office, Hotch pushing the pram in.

They all looked curiously into the cardboard box.

The four letters were addressed to Hotch, Penelope, Emily and Reid. They claimed their letters. "Where's yours?" they asked.

I removed the piece of cardboard and it revealed a 5 columns lined up with envelopes, there were at least 100 of them. Everyone let out a small gasp.

"187," Reid said, his eyes skimming over the box. He kissed me gently on the cheek.

He left me 187 letters. 187 days. 187 notes. 187 days of pain.

There was a moment of silence as everyone fought hard to keep their tears back. Emily stood there for a few seconds before shuffling out. Penelope, she stared with longing before trotting out. Reid snaked his arm around my waist and let me rest my head on his shoulders.

Hotch.

"Did you know?" I asked.

"No," he said.

"Why did you let him go in?" I asked, my voice clearly accusing.

"Why? I've been asking myself the same question." Hotch said, walking towards the door, his back toward me.

"Well let me know when you finally dig out an answer," I spat.

"I know you blame me. I blame myself too. But you didn't see him that day. The way he looked at me. The way he repeated his decision when he heard Derek was coming. The way he stared at Reid, wishing that he was the one running to the car. The way he begged me. The way he begged me to end the pain. The way he walked into the building. The way he moved. I saw him fighting, JJ. I saw him fighting to stay in control of his own body. It was mind over matter. But I think the reason that _you _weren't there was what made him give up. I'm not blaming you. Yes, I should have seen it. I should have seen it. I'm sorry," Hotch said, his voice shaking.

"Seen what?" I demanded.

"He _wanted_ to die that night." Hotch said quietly, his hands resting on the doorknob yet not quite leaving.

I couldn't say anything. He was meeting death that night. And the thing was, he knew it. Why did he give up everything?

"I know it's hard. It's only been a week, yet it feels like forever. But you'll heal slowly. Learn from him, and take the best of him with you," Hotch advised.

"What do you expect me to do, Hotch? Now he's just… … … gone. And I'm left with nothing," I said angrily.

"I don't want to come across as mean, but maybe you should try asking yourself why you went home with Reid that night. Maybe he would still be around if you had," Hotch said. My mouth was dry, and I could find no response. He pulled open the door and left, but at the last second, he turned around and sighed.

Then Derek started whimpering and the door swung shut.

Reid picked Derek up gently.

"Hey little guy," he said, grinning.

He gurgled and smiled at us.

"You shouldn't have gone home with me that night, but what's done is done. I know deep down inside you regret it, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm not here to be anything you don't want me to be. I'm here to be a father to Derek and a support for you," Reid said.

"You should go for Emily," I suggested.

He smiled slightly.

"Maybe," he said slowly, turning his attention back to Derek.

Letter 157:

_Dear JJ,_

_How are you? Beautiful, I imagine. I hope you're happy. _

_Morgan_

The simplest letter he had written, yet the most meaningful.

Letter 186:

_Dear Jennifer,_

_We think we found Benedict. I have to kill him, or let him kill me. I hope you've been well. It's almost time isn't it? He/She'll be pretty goodlooking with genes from you and pretty smart with genes from Reid. I think…you would have gotten over me by now. I hope so. _

_The Red Wheel Barrow by William Carlos William_

_So much depends upon,_

_A red wheelbarrow,_

_Glazed with rain,_

_Next to the white chickens._

_Remember the simplicity of life itself. It's funny how this few months everything's been the opposite huh? Catch a breather and think about how lucky you are._

_Forever,_

_Morgan._

The simplicity of life itself was so hard to find.

His office is empty. Somehow, I always imagined him bent over a piece of paper, writing furiously and his head resting on his hand.

Now he was nothing but a ghost.

A ghost. A memory. Gone.

I was going to find Benedict Morgan and make sure he dies.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

3 years later...

Hotch's POV

Hotch

"Hotch, we have Benedict locked down, trapped inside his own tangle of mazes. Can we go in now? Please," JJ's voice was urgent.

I was at the airport in Iraq, rushing back from my mission trip. Since the team downsized, they've been sending me all over the world. Emily helps me run base operations.

"Yes, and uh, JJ," I said quietly, "if you get a shot, take it."

She said nothing but hung up.

I picked up my phone as I hurried on to the private jet.

"Yes, Derek, I'm on my way. Don't worry," I assured.

I arrived back at the head quarters and rushed back, my beard looking shaggy and unkept.

"Hotch, he's in the interview room. I got him. I couldn't take the shot," JJ said, a bright red gash on her cheek. She shrugged it off.

"Nice beard," she teased. "I think Derek would like it."

I permitted myself a smile. "Yeah, I saw him outside and he loved it."

JJ grinned like a proud mother before regaining her seriousness.

My phone rang and I stepped outside.

"I'm outside," he said. I hung up.

"JJ, I want all of you in. Even Penelope." I ordered. JJ raised her eyebrows but nodded, gathering her files and stepping into the interview room with Penelope. I watched from behind the mirror.

I waited for a few minutes and the door clicked open. Derek smiled at me. Morgan laughed.

"This is JJ's son?" he said, his voice filled with mock amuse.

He set Derek down and moved up to see the interviewee. His knuckles turned white and the vein throbbed in his forehead.

"JJ, her cheek," he pointed out. I shook my head.

"You're alive, in real," I breathed. Morgan grinned and pulled me close for a hug.

"They…never knew what happened on the table right?" Morgan asked. I nodded guiltily. "I couldn't tell them. It's been hard. Knowing that you were somewhere out there yet not knowing whether I would ever be able to see you again," I admitted.

"It's been uh, boring, to say the least. And…it's been three years. I feel…out of place," He said quietly. "I might as well be dead you know. I had no friends. No one knew of my existence."

"I read your letter. Touchy. They would be pretty surprised to see you go back there," I commented.

"Sometimes I think it would be better off if I was dead you know. At least everyone expected it. At least I would be facing hell alone."

I laughed. "_Visitor_ Morgan, you have no idea what we went through. You should have seen JJ cry the first time she held her child because of _you_."

"Hotch!" Morgan said urgently. We hadn't noticed that JJ was pinning Benedict to the wall, her gun pointed on his forehead. Morgan's eyes flashed with worry. He gestured and I nodded. The rest of them were trying to hold her down, but she was too strong. Or rather, the memory of him killing Morgan was too strong.

The door clicked shut behind me.

"Hooot! I…I want to see," Derek said, unable to pronounce my name. I carried him to the window and he pulled my beard.

The door to the interview room opened and I took in a deep breath.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Morgan's POV

Morgan

I pushed the door open. They expected me to be Hotch. Right. I was supposed to be dead. Yet none of them turned to look at me.

"You son of a bitch you tell me where you left the child you abducted!" JJ yelled.

"I thought you were dead!" Benedict exclaimed.

"The only person that's supposed to be here is Morgan and why? You stabbed him to death. Do you know that I never got to say anything to him at all? So why don't you cough out the locations of the child?!" JJ demanded.

"JJ! Control yourself!" Emily scolded.

"I know where the child is." I said slowly.

"Yeah, Reid, we tried all your ideas already," Penelope said.

Before Reid could respond, I added, "It's where you found me three years ago."

There was a moment of stark confusion, then JJ turned to face me.

"You're alive," Reid said quietly.

I shifted my feet and smiled. I stepped forward and knocked the gun out of JJ's hand. "Go. Now." I said quickly. "We need to have a talk."

They left, obviously startled, shocked, and on the verge of tears. JJ's eyes burned with anger. Reid tugged at her hand.

"JJ, not now," he urged.

"Jennifer," I called out. She said nothing but slammed the door on me.

I motioned for Benedict to sit. I handcuffed him to the chair. Just for added protection.

"You should have died," he spat.

I raised my t-shirt and showed the nasty scar that stretched across my stomach. "I should have. But I didn't. I recently went back to our home," I started.

"The child is not at the warehouse I kept you," Benedict said plainly.

"I saw Rose. I saw your father. He was behind bars. I saw my father. He was also behind bars. I saw your kid," I said.

"I have no kid," Ben scoffed, but I knew he was interested.

"Yes, you do. Rose told me so. It's a girl. Jenny Morgan." I said, rubbing my chin.

Benedict, for once, was at a loss for words. He shook his head. "You're just trying to get into my mind you prick!"

"She's right outside. Both of them. I'll let them in, once you tell me where the kid is. The kid wouldn't be very far from the warehouse. Probably trapped in those mazes. Imagine Jenny wandering down that tunnel, along with everyone that is worth something to you and getting lost, trapped, stuck," I said, coaxing the information out of him.

"Stop torturing me! I know you are lying!" he yelled.

"Oh yeah? You're inflicting the same kind of torture on the kid's parent you son of a bitch!" I yelled, banging the table roughly, causing him to jerk back.

"Maybe if you look deep down in that worthless heart of yours that should have stopped 3 years ago, you would feel some kind of desperation. Or have you grown so disgusting that you can no longer feel love? I know why you didn't kill me that night," I smirked.

He raised his eyebrows.

"You cared about me. I saw it in your eyes. You had enough time to cut my head off, or maybe pierce through my heart. But you took those last seconds to answer my question. _I tried hard enough when you were locked up in prison_. You hoped, you hoped that I would survive. You just wanted to teach me a lesson, to show me who's the boss. You risked leaving behind evidence on how to track you down. You wanted to be caught," I said slowly, looking into his eyes.

He said nothing, but swallowed.

"I had to go into hiding. Then I realized it was so stupid. I could have walked right past you in the street and you would have done nothing about it. You would not have sent your men after me. You would not have killed me yourself. Remember when we were in the woods on your fourteenth birthday? You said to me, _You are my brother. I will never, ever, hurt you,"_ I taunted.

He slammed his chin against the table to express his frustration.

"Daddy?" a voice came cackling through the loudspeaker. "Hello, Benedict Morgan," Rose's voice said sharply. He perked up. "She's right here with me."

He was struggling. I could see it. I had broken him. I just needed something to push him over the edge.

"_I will never harm a kid. It is disgusting. I hate my father. Why does he hit me everyday? I will never be as bad a father as him!" _I said.

"Sound familiar?" I asked.

He cracked.

"FINE! Take the left tunnel then turn right at the junction, go all the way to the brick wall and push in the third brick on the third row from the bottom," he said angrily.

I knew Hotch was already making arrangements.

I nodded.

"Can I see her?" he begged. I nodded and Hotch sent them in.

I stood at the side, quietly observing. After they left, I stood up and walked towards the door. "Hey, Sergeant B? Thanks," I said quietly, leaving the room.

Hotch was waiting for me outside.

"They got the kid. Good job, Morgan. JJ…she's not very happy with me. And you," Hotch said, grimacing. I nodded slightly and went back to my office. It was pristine. Under my desk was the same box. I opened it. The same photograph. The same roses, except they were now a sickly brown colour.

Letter 187:

_Dear Morgan,_

_There, my last letter to you. 187 letters all paid back. Maybe now I can finally find closure._

_JJ._

"That's my property," JJ said harshly, grabbing the letter and dumping it back, grabbing the photograph roughly and slamming it back in. She pushed the box off and the glass casing of roses smashed.

I grabbed her wrist.

"Why are you so mad?" I asked.

Her eyes were filled with tears and her wrist had small glass pieces.

"You come in here after 3 years, when I was finally accepting the fact that you were gone forever, and the first thing you say is not, 'Hello', 'Hi', 'I've missed you', 'I love you', 'Hey'. It's Go. Now. You think that's nice for us? Do you know I felt the entire time you were away? And why does Hotch get to know? Did you not trust me?" she demanded.

"I didn't get to call the shots, JJ. If I did I would have been here the minute I could come back to the field," I explained.

She scoffed.

The roses split on the floor.

"So everything's lost?" I asked. She said nothing. "Good." I said quietly.

I leaned down.

"Don't. I have a… guy now," JJ warned.

I pulled back and swept the glass pieces away from her hand.

"There's a new guy. I get it. You never expected me to come back. Good that you've moved on," I said glumly.

"You expected me to wait for a dead person to come back to life, didn't you? Daniel's the first guy okay? Don't think I go around looking for them, Visitor Morgan. He accepted me, even with Reid's child. He's working with the NYPD." She said slowly.

"Daniel? Not Reid?" I asked.

"Reid? Reid's a very good father to Derek, but no, I treat him like a brother alright? He was the one who supported me through all of this, all of you and I know he likes Emily so I set them up together," she said irritably.

"I see." I said quietly.

I dropped her hand.

" Good for you. I'm serious, JJ." I said rather lamely.

"I've never and will never move on," JJ said sharply.

"You should. I just did," I said quietly, leaving the room.

We wrapped up and sent Ben into jail.

"You've been well. You're a good cop, Derek," Rose commented. I smiled.

"Usually the good cops have dark beginnings," I said guiltily.

"You should move on, Morgan. I know you didn't mean it. It was an accident. Not all Morgan men are baddies you know. It's been long enough. And that girl cop? JJ? She's totally into you. You should have seen her kick that guy's ass. And I know the money was from you. You need to stop, alright? It's time to close the past and move on." Rose said, grinning.

"I took an innocent man's life," I breathed.

"But you have protected many, many more innocent lives. My dad would be proud. He always liked you. Said you stood out," she said, reminiscing.

"So… is there something here?" I asked, shifting my feet.

"Nah. You're a good guy Morgan. But I have my own life now," Rose assured me, picking up Jenny and leaving.

Emily and Reid came in, Reid's arms around her. The ring shone brightly on their fingers.

"So…" I started.

Emily wrapped her arms around me, pulling me close.

"Emily, you are my partner, and I am very, very proud of you," I whispered seriously into her ear. She smiled.

Reid still wore his vests and ties.

"Hey, some really grow up to catch the baddies huh," Reid commented. I motioned for him to come in, and he grinned happily, joining in the hug. Penelope pushed open the door. "Room for one more?" she asked hopefully.

We broke up and I paced to the window.

"That's Daniel?" I asked, smirking.

He was pretty good looking, but he had a country feeling about him.

"You should introduce yourself," Reid said, peering behind me. I shook my head. JJ was resting against him, his arms snaked around her waist.

"He's a nice guy you know. I mean he's pretty overly attached but he cares about her, truly," Reid commented.

"So you and JJ?" I asked.

"Derek stays with her every even week and we take Derek every odd week. Daniel helps out when we're out of town," Emily said.

Reid nodded. "He's going to Cambridge."

I laughed.

"JJ told me a quote before. Neil Gaiman once said _Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up._" Penelope said.

"I'm pretty sure she meant you," Emily commented.

"Do you think I should have kissed her?" I asked.

"Definitely," they said in unison.

I pushed past Reid and out the door, sprinting down the hallway, turning the corner and sprinting down the steps. They were probably in the lift. No matter, it was only 3 storeys.

I sprinted faster and faster but they were already out the building. I ran faster and collided into her, the cold air knocking the breath out of me.

"Hey!" Daniel exclaimed.

I brought her lips to mine and crashed against her. We stood, kissing, for more than a few seconds, while Daniel watched hopelessly in shock beside us.

"You love me. Real or not real?" I breathed.

Her lips twitched for a second, as though she was going to smile.

"Not real." She replied, her face falling.

And then she pushed me away, locked hands with Daniel and Derek and stormed off.

I stood outside, my breath forming clouds. I expected her to say yes. I looked up and I could see the three of them peering down, shrugging and motioning for me to come back up.

I stood out in the cold, shifting my weight from feet to feet.

"Not real." I repeated.

Daniel's wonky truck came bustling up.

He pulled up beside me.

"Don't you ever dare to kiss my girlfriend again. Do you understand?" He warned.

JJ sat next to him, with Derek on her lap.

I opened my mouth, wondering what to say.

"Real," I said quietly, turning my back and walking off, my tears too precious to be seen by her.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

JJ's POV

"You look troubled," Daniel commented.

"What, you going for the understatement of the year award?" I asked bluntly. Derek was in my arms, fast asleep.

"Want to talk about it? We have like half an hour," Daniel said. It would only take 15 minutes, but his truck had a speed limit.

I opened my mouth then closed it again. "Nah." I replied plainly.

To stop him from questioning me, I closed my eyes and pretended to fall asleep.

_You love me. Real or not real?_

_Not real._

Why had I lied? Maybe it's because I was disappointed that he didn't get how I felt; or maybe because he said the wrong words. But Daniel…is real.

Daniel cared about my feelings. Daniel and I had something that was real. Sure, there was no romance, there was no special "surprises", and sometimes I just felt plain awkward with him, but…he was a nice guy. He was a good guy.

But I can't seem to get my mind off Morgan. What was that thing about him that made him so attractive? Maybe it's simply the fact that he was my first true love. Or maybe I never realized how much he really meant to me until he was just…gone and pried away from me.

Daniel pulled over outside my apartment and followed me up.

"Hey, you really look terrible," he teased.

"You're not much better yourself," I said, leaning against the doorframe.

He laughed. "I can listen. I promise I won't comment," he said seriously.

I shook my head slightly. "Good night, Daniel."

"Good Night JJ."

He leaned in for a kiss, but I had already closed the door on him. Not tonight.

Morgan was sitting quietly at his desk, reading through my letters. I had decided to leave them there.

Hotch called for a meeting and his head jerked up. He locked eyes with me for a fraction of a second before he turned away and stood up. The moment lost forever.

We came into the meeting room, all shocked. Reid's mouth was hanging. There had been letters every day for 3 years for all 5 of us, again in Morgan's handwriting. He leaned against the doorframe.

"Read it at your own time. They all start with letter number 2, except JJ's. Hers is 188," He said bluntly.

"Yep…ok. Morgan. I called you all in because we all have a question. Morgan, are you joining the team?" Hotch asked.

"I have to uh…think about it," Morgan said seriously. Our faces fell. We thought he would agree without thinking.

"I'm kidding, relax. Obviously I would," Morgan said, giving one of his signature grins. Everyone laughed. Morgan was back for real.

"And I'm really sorry for everything I put you through, especially Hotch," Morgan said sweetly before leaving the room.

"JJ, can you stay back? Thanks," Hotch said, gesturing towards the seat. Everyone grabbed their boxes and left.

I hung around. "You're mad at me," Hotch pointed out, looking straight into my eyes.

"No."

"Yes."

"No!"

"Yes."

"Obviously I'm mad, Hotch! Why couldn't you tell me? All those times we went to your place to cry our eyes out. All those times we cleaned up Morgan's office together? It was so stupid, Hotch. Why did you want to keep his memory alive when you know he was alive in person?!" I demanded.

"Because I couldn't," Hotch said, looking away.

"Because you couldn't or you wouldn't?" I asked.

"_Jennifer,_ you want to be me? I knew he was somewhere out there, alive. Yet I didn't know where he was. I didn't even know which continent he was on! I just knew that he was alive. I never knew when I was going to see him again. Technically, I shouldn't have. You think it's so easy? I was helping you find closure, JJ. Try having someone snatched away from you!" Hotch yelled.

"At least you knew," I pointed out.

"I know why you're so angry, JJ. Because you thought that if there was anything concerning Morgan, I will tell you because you assume that you are the closest to him. The truth is, you deserved no information from him. You've moved on. You think he did?" he asked.

"I didn't know he was alive. I thought he was gone forever," I argued.

"True. But Morgan never expected that he would see anyone of us again, ever." Hotch said calmly.

He grimaced and grabbed his box.

"Suit yourself if you want to act so _childishly_."

The door swung close, then opened again.

Morgan stepped in, his hands in his pockets.

"Let's put it this way. You dealt with the loss of 1 friend. I dealt with the loss of 4," Morgan said slowly, turning around.

"Four?" I asked.

"And I uh…I lost this girl because I was too stupid to treasure her when she was around," Morgan said quietly.

"This girl…how's she like?" I asked curiously. He played along with me.

"She's cute, funny, smart, beautiful. Yet I was drawn to her because even when she fell down and bawled her eyes out, she somehow managed to get herself back on her feet. I was attracted to her kick butt moves and the way she grinned when blood spilled out of the gash on her face," he said, smiling slightly.

"You love me. Real or not real?" I asked.

He laughed dryly and tossed me an envelope.

"Not real. My heart belongs to the ghost of who she used to be," Morgan replied.

Sigh.

Ghost.

Letter 1283:

_Dear Jennifer,_

_I understand why you had to do what you had to do. You probably thought that Daniel would be the better choice. He seems to be a better husband material. I am a giant question mark, and it would probably be safer if you didn't pick me. I truly understand. But I will still be in love with you. Or rather, the woman you used to be. I'm sorry for everything you went through. I hoped…I begged the unit chief to let me back. He wouldn't. I'm sorry. I know I seem like a dream, I don't seem like reality. But maybe sometime you would come to realize that I am here. Now. And I'm staying. Forever._

_Morgan._

Daniel picked me up from work again. Seriously, that man is too protective. Derek was with the nanny at home.

We quarreled in the car. He said I was a jerk last night, slamming the door on him like that. He wondered out aloud why I had not trusted him enough to tell him how I was feeling.

"So? I can't give you an explanation of everything!" I yelled.

Daniel rubbed his forehead and pulled over.

"I'll see you tomorrow, JJ," Daniel said quietly.

"Don't bother," I said coldly, leaving his truck and slamming the door angrily.

The phone rang and I picked it up.

It was raining terribly outside.

"JJ. You free?" Morgan's voice cackled through the phone.

"Yes. Why?"

"I'm right downstairs. I…uh…need you. Please," he said, his voice thick with tears.

I scrambled down the steps and climbed into his jeep.

"Morgan?" I asked.

He stepped on the wheel and started speeding down the highway.

"I came for you. I wanted to tell you to leave Daniel and come with me. But…it was raining. I couldn't see. I didn't see the wonky old truck still parked down there. It merged with the rain. I backed up into it and only realized when I got out of the car. He's in the hospital. I'm so sorry," Morgan said shakily.

"Morgan…you just…hurt my boyfriend."

"Yes, yes I know that. I'm sorry," he repeated.

"You did it on purpose didn't you?"

"Are you accusing me of murder?" Morgan demanded.

"You're a Morgan!" I said spitefully.

"I'm not a bad person, JJ." He said.

We quarreled all the way to the hospital, finally when we entered the basement carpark, he looked straight at me.

"I'm not just another Morgan. I'm your Morgan!" he said, his cheeks stained with tears.

Maybe it was just the way he said it. I opened the door and hopped out, tears spilling out of my eyes.

Morgan remained in his seat, his head in his hands, cursing and cursing himself.

He came stalking up an hour later, a cup of coffee in his hand. He was shivering badly. He stood awkwardly in front of me and handed me the cup of coffee. It was almost midnight now.

He turned and walked away.

"Morgan. Sit," I said.

His hoodie was drenched in rain and he had goose bumps on his arms. He was going to catch a cold.

I peeled the wet clothes off him and found a dry towel to use.

He said nothing, his head in his hands. I wiped him dry and wrapped another towel around him, holding him tight.

The doctor stepped out minutes after the clock struck two.

He grinned. "He is completely fine. We suspect that he was already drunk when the car knocked him over. His truck was quite useless compared to the jeep, but thank goodness the jeep didn't reverse to far and all that happened was just his legs being squashed and he might have dislocated his knee, but it will all heal. I suggest that he get a better truck, and please advise him to turn on his headlights," the doctor said.

I nodded quietly and stepped into the room to see Daniel. He was awake.

"JJ, I am so sorry. Please forgive me," he immediately apologized.

I took a seat next to him and smiled warmly.

"I owe you a broken leg huh?" I laughed.

"I was thinking slightly more than that," Daniel said, grinning.

"Jennifer Jareau, will you marry me? You were the first and last thing that came into my mind after the truck hit me," Daniel said quietly.

I had to think. Marrying him meant a lifetime commitment. Was I ready? I turned around and saw Morgan peering through the door, his eyes frozen in anticipation. He could hear what we were saying.

_You love me. Real or not real?_

_Not Real._

_Why had I lied? It wasn't because of Daniel. I was using him as an excuse. I was scared that he would be gone again. And even though he's been gone for three years, the time he left me, I felt like there was nothing bright in this world. Why? Was it because he meant so much to me?_

_I think it meant something when I cried when I quarreled with him, but just stormed out when I was quarreling with Daniel. But… Daniel's safe. He will always be there. He will never be pried away from my grasp._

_He was in my comfort zone. He would give me stability. He would be financially stable. He would always be there. But…_

_Do I choose between my head or my heart?_

"Daniel, that's very, very sweet of you. It's very romantic too. I feel the same way," I said.

Morgan grimaced and spun around, walking out of my sight.

Daniel's eyes lighted up.

"But not about you." I said quietly.

His eyes flashed with confusion, then sadness, and finally, anger.

"It's Morgan, isn't it?" he demanded.

"You know what? Yes, yes it is Morgan. I've been in love with him since I first met him 10 years ago, and I will still be in love with him. I don't want you to be cheated. I want to say yes, I really do. But I think, for once, I've got to stop being a profiler. I've got to start using my heart," I said slowly.

Daniel's face fell.

"You know he was the one who hurt me right?" Daniel asked spitefully.

"I know."

"How can you love such a man?" he asked.

I laughed. "How can _he_ love such a woman? Truly and wholeheartedly?"

I stood up and dusted my shirt.

"You deserve someone better. You're a good guy. But you're with the wrong girl."

I pushed open the door and raced after Morgan. He was in the lift, the doors drawing shut. He caught me chasing and desperately started punching a button. The lift doors drew open and I ran past it, his arms ready to catch me, as his lips crashed against mine.

The doors drew shut and we slowly parted.

We looked at each other, both silent.

Finally, we both said, "You love me. Real or not real?"

He smiled as I grinned.

"Real."

For those that stuck through(though I think there are quite few ._.) THANKS :D this story is complete ^^


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